Ringside Shadows #64: The Tuesday Review
Look at me.. I open up my last column telling everyone how my posts will be fewer and further between, promising the Tuesday Reviews on time, and I follow it up by taking my sweet-ass time posting this beast. Before long, I'll be proclaiming each column as "the single most important column in the history of our sport". Hey.. that has a nice ring to it... Hmmmmm.
But anyway, on to that which I've promised, your annual Tuesday Review.
Nitro continued to shove Sid down our throats until we choked, but steered him clear of anything to do with The Cat. Meanwhile Lex Luger made his return and Bret Hart was nowhere to be found. On the flip side, RAW came off a decent PPV with a stellar show. The expected title change came to pass, D'Lo proved he hadn't been advanced to Intercontinental status just yet, and Chris Jericho gave us further understanding of what exactly the 'Y2J' problem really is.
But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Before I begin; a *Warning*.. this column is neither hotter than a dancing bobcat with its ass on fire, nor brought to you by Larry King (he looks like an Owl!). It IS, however, brought to you by Tampax. Because... well.... men don't need tampons. Hoo haaa!
-Seems they had a full house, rowdy as hell and ready for a great show. Give it another couple weeks' worth of this shite.. the crowds won't last.
-Ok, i'm confused as to WCW's record-keeping.. If you're in NO WAY involved in a matchup, parade out with your own ref and take out both opponents, not only does it boost your record, but each man downed counts as a separate win?! Maybe THAT'S how Goldberg managed. So, given that theory.. if a worker were to win a 4-way dance, he'd gain 3 wins for his efforts, right? Hell, forget it.. I'm almost through trying with WCW.
-WHERE THE HELL WAS SID DURING ERNEST MILLER / BUFF BAGWELL?!?!?!?! Let those 3 spread their arse luvvins around the ring for a couple minutes. At least with that reasoning, I'll know there's time to take a piss.
-Apparantly last night was everybody's night to shine on the mic... Hey, while we're at it let's give it to Sid TWICE. And we'll let the new lighting boy play with his toys, too.
-The only way I'd consider Sid the "millennium man" is in regard to some old-school INXS lyrics... "The 21st century's yesterday".
-...and Luger's 'suspicious' of Hogan, warning his good buddy Eric Draven (make that... Sting...) not to trust him. Waitaminute, Flexy Sexy Lexy... last I heard you cashed in on the old Stinger and joined the nWo Wolfpac revamp... with Hogan.
-We're meant to believe Bischoff drove HIMSELF in the f'n limo hummer? Yea, I'll believe that, as my chauffeur drops me off at my morning class in my brand new Prowler... Then again, it's always fun to watch Uncle Eric try to be inventive as he alienates a good chunk of his core audience.. the internet.
-We're treated to a waste of time between Buff and Ernest Miller. As mentioned above, conspicuous in his absense is Sid, who figures these 2 will do a good enough job killing the segment on their own.
-Just when we think the show can't go much farther downhill, we head into full spiral as DJ Ran is on the air. But hey... my sweet, tender, beautiful Nitro Girl Spice (siiiiigh) was featured in the segment, so it got my vote.
-Old man Goldberg's favorite son even got a turn on the mic. Hootie hoo!
-Credit where credit's due.. I picked up this line from 2xzone.com.. a segment from the new Rednecks song... one of the few bright spots in WCW last night. "We have a huntin' dog in our pickup truck, we like long-legged country girls that know how to...love." Also memorable was watching Curt Hennig nearly end his career on a 4-wheeler.. great stuff.
-I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom..
-Well let's see.. a match with potential... the rejuvinated (and rising star) Lenny Lane, who's really becoming a joy to watch, takes on the ultra-talented Juventud Guerrera, jr.. Ooop!! Here comes Sid. What a world. I wonder why Juvi decided his best course of action was to just jump into Syko's palm, rather than to attempt a dropkick of some sort.
-Quote of the NIGHT. Sid was "68-0", and lifting Lane for a powerbomb.. just as Lenny's crotch reached Sid's face, Heenan blurts out "I SMELL 69!". I wonder if he realizes the significance of his statement.
-I can't keep a straight face during these Rednecks 'concertos'. I've played guitar, bass, drums and vocals in multiple bands, and I promise you.. despite my years of performing, I've got nothing on these guys.. ha..
-I feared the absolute worst when the Benoit/Steiner match was booked. Thank god for small miracles.
-OK, quick lesson. It's a good thing to show vignettes.. It's a bad thing to show the same... f'n... vignette... 3 times in one night.
-Even the Eddie/Vampiro and ICP/Rey&Kidman matches were disappointing, proving that WCW was truly a lost cause on this night.
-Hey! Let's give Hogan some mic time! Yea! Do they realize that to turn him heel again they've got to turn him on his own little son?
-Benoit took a meaner bump than usual on the headbutt.. Performing it on one guy hurts... performing it on two is downright insane. I'm afraid to watch his match with Sid on Thunder, provided he doesn't get fed up and just stiff the shit out of Ms. Bass.. (oop.. a page out of John's book.. you didn't see that..). A shoot fight between these two would be worth my right leg, as Sid wouldn't stand a chance.
-As usual, Booker T looked like gold last night. I'm hoping it's an angle leading to a breakup, but it could be just fatigue... as Stevie Ray lounged about the ring, looking lazier than ever.
-The main event was dropped onto our laps, fresh from 1985. Truly terrible. Every piece of garbage thrown to the ring following this disgrace was deserved by Dusty Rhodes and the WCW booking commitee.
-And finally.. KISS. Not much else I can say, except I could actually HEAR remotes across the country clicking. And Brian Adams looks like even more of a tool in his little cape.
Overall Grade: D-
The only saving grace for Nitro this week came in the form of the Rednecks, and a couple off matches from the "Dead Pool" and the "Filthy Animals". Nights like this make me sick to even consider myself associated, in whatever sick and twisted way. After Nitro, I strode to my room where I had myself a good, long cry.
-YES! THIS is the way you handle a heel!! HHH was rough as HELL, and did his little shindig to perfection. Then again, the arm's "break" was such a terrible bit of audio editing, I couldn't help but groan. Would it have been so hard to just let him fall, and announce his injury later?
-What power does Shane hold in the WWF, that allows him to book matches? He doesn't look like a commissioner to me..
-God, I missed seeing Jericho oversell. His giant swing in front of the backstage curtain was priceless. Every week the future looks brighter and brighter for the Y2J.
-Meanwhile, we see Pepper's been dognapped again... they ran out of options with Snow months ago, when everybody was doing the same thing with head. Barring a complete character revamp, they've dropped the ball yet again with him.
-Just as I'd predicted, the tag division lies in ruins again now that the Show and Undertaker have taken the straps. I'm in total agreement with Dale over at the Big 3 Oratory... Kane with a headset is among the funniest images in recent memory. I was waiting with baited breath for another thrilling "suck iiittttt".
-As somebody who's watched his best friend become engaged after 6 months, and his father remarried after 5, I can safely say that the Test / Stephanie bit wasn't THAT ridiculous. Stranger things have happened.
-Did anybody else catch Mizark Hizenry after recieving the European belt? He tried to put it on, but couldn't fit it around the chocolate's big waist. Guess he hasn't lost too much weight.
-I get shivers down my spine watching D'Lo deliver that frog splash... Sweeeeeeet....
-Jeff Hardy is incredible. Anyone who caught his suicide dive from the guard rail on the Rock last night knows what I'm talking about. And they buried these guys WHY?? Also of note was Gangrel's near squash.. This guy's not THAT bad..
-Watching the Fink come out to the old school Ultimate Warrior's music was funny, especially amidst the interest surrounding Hellwig's comments lately, but the rediscovery and mockery of old themes needs to stop here.. It was funny with the Stooges, it was enjoyable with the Fink, if we see anything else it's gonna begin to get annoying.
-Speaking of which, the Fink and Jericho make a great duo. I wouldn't be surprised to see the two of them begin a quest to recapture Howard's spot as ring announcer. And Jericho's dual powerbombs were amazing. I was waiting for him to bridge one into the lion tamer, but it wasn't meant to be.
-How'd the Hollys match end?! We missed it...
-...X-Pac was just pinned by motherloving VISCERA! What has he done wrong?! Nobody should sell for that waste of space, let alone lie down for him. This guy's never gonna have credibility.
-Chyna took a nice guitar shot, and sold it as thought she'd just been beheaded, collapsing to the ground and not moving. So is everything cool between she and Ass now or what? I'd be willing to bet we'll see them together again before we see them at each other's throats. No explanation.
-OK... Shane could take a fall through the table from the top rope like he did at Summerslam (amazing, btw..), yet a couple seconds of socko and a toss over the top is enough to take him out for the remainder of the match... well... until the end.
-Damn, is the Rock over.
-Speaking of the great one.. his commentary was a joy to listen to, though we needed JR's voice of reason to really bring it out as well as it should have been. "Mankind's coming back! I gotta give it to him, he's got.. Ut.. nevermind, he's down again. Mankind sucks!" We're listening to the future of the WWF.
-The finish of the match was very well done, from the stiff chair shot for Mankind to the unexpected lash out at the Rock to Shane's recovery in time to make the count. I never thought I'd say it, but HHH deserves the belt...
Overall Grade: B+
The burying of X-Pac and the descent of D'Lo back to the ranks of the european championship are the only things keeping this from an A. Truly one of the best Raws in recent memory, and the Nitro it opposed only made this one shine all the brighter.
One last bit.. I've been told that I've never done so, so a big, fat ass "WHAT UP!" and "YOU KICK ASS" to Filippo and Dale here at the Big3. Go check out their stuff, they're among the best.
And I'm out.
until next time, i remain